So I was sitting here contemplating if I should be studying for my upcoming microbiology exam or just go to sleep (senioritis is real and I need help lol), but there has been something on my heart lately that I want to share. I sort of went on a twitter rant, which is often the case when I’m frustrated, but I’ve had enough of it honestly and 140 characters wasn’t enough to delve into this topic so I came here to rant. teehee!
Well here’s the thing, I often stress in my posts about “not being perfect”, yet I am still out here personifying the same thing I say I’m not. Ladies and gents, that’s one form of hypocrisy that is easily seen in the Christian community. I am bothered by this because I think of all the people who believe that they have to be or act a certain way to be a perfect Christian when that doesn’t exist.I find myself wishing that people were just more honest with their walk with Christ and not have this facade showing (myself definitely included). I tell other people to “go read your Bible” in times of turmoil or any case, yet I still struggle on how exactly to read the Bible myself. I can easily tell someone else to just stop going out or drinking, yet I am over here hiding the fact that I’ve been partaking in the same thing. I can easily say “pray about it” when I’m not praying myself. It’s wrong and I’ve been feeding people and myself a lie for so long. I have my moments when I am very closed, but I am most open when I write so I will share two of my honest struggles while being a young Christian woman, just to break this stigma a bit and hopefully find out that I’m not the only one. haha
- Anxiety/ Depression
- I know I have written about this in my past post and I’ve had people believe that everything has been great and dandy after that when in fact it’s not. I still get really bad anxiety and still battle with depression. I just fake it. I sincerely don’t want to be this way, but I just find myself in this same situation over and over again. Anxiety has prevented me from going to my volunteering and other things in my life. I still find myself wanting cry and zero unction to do anything productive which upsets me even more, making me more depressed. Now, I can say that there has been tremendous growth in this area due solely to God, but I still need help and that’s ok. I talk to God about it at times, but I refuse to seek anymore help because of pride and this notion that I can’t ask for help from people or professionals. Often times, I want to just talk to someone about it but I don’t want to bother people. Sometimes I want to seek professional help, but then it forces me to accept that I have a problem and I don’t want to. Do I struggle with this? Yes. Does this make me any less of a Christian because I struggle with this? No.
- Lust/relationship status:
- If I’m being completely transparent lol, this is a huge struggle of mine fam. First and foremost, I don’t get attention from guys like that and after spending 22 years of being single, it gets hard! (Yes, this means I’ve never had a boyfriend…shocker! lol) Anyway, this fuels other struggles within me such as comparison and insecurities. To be quite honest, I’m not sure how to tackle this topic because I still struggle with this daily. I find myself looking to prominent social media Christians to give me advice on how to be more “this” or more “that”, but that’s just not me. Simply put, I am annoyed that I’m single. I know as young Christian girls we’re supposed to say “My husband will find me”, “I’ll be like Ruth waiting for her Boaz”, and list Proverbs 31 in our social media bio, but I’m tired of that. Right now in my life, I am frustrated/annoyed with this and it’s ok. I’m tired of pretending like I am this angel that never thinks about guys or sex (we’re all human lol). I can look at a guy and my mind just goes all over the place and it’s bad, I know. The Bible even says that even if you’ve looked at someone with lust, you’ve already committed adultery. I know it’s wrong but I do it anyhow. (Thank God for grace right?) Although I have these frustrations, uncertainties and battles, I find myself turning to God more and conversing with Him in prayer about it. Do I still struggle with this? Yes. Am I any less of a Christian because I struggle with this? No
I am not saying that God can’t fix these battles for me at all, but I am saying that it is ok to be battling with things and be open about it instead of pretending you’re perfect. I can honestly say that the moments where I have been most vulnerable with other people is when I have seen some of the greatest move of God. We realize how similar we are and it releases this huge weight of perfectionism from our heart. We realize how sinful in nature we all are,that we NEED Jesus, how we are never too far from Him to come back, how merciful and beautiful God’s grace is. As I typed, this I was thinking that maybe this will help at least one person, but as I end I realize the one person that needed this was me. haha. God is funny. Thank you Lord. Til next time playas and playettes!