My Silent Struggle

Disclaimer: You are about to enter some of Dana’s deepest thoughts lol. I think Chris Brown said it best when he said, “Please don’t judge me and I won’t judge you.” lol. On a serious note, I am about to share some very personal details that would usually be found deep within my personal journal, but I’m attempting this new thing of actually being a human that shows feelings. So once again, this is a NO JUDGE ZONE! Thanks in advance, I knew you’d understand 🙂

To be honest, I’m not sure why I wanted to post something on a Tuesday night. This seemed like a much better idea in my head, but God has his reasons so I won’t fight it. Ok, so have any of you ever seen the Spongebob episode where he forgot his name? If you haven’t, it looks a little bit like the picture below. Imagine this
being your brain every. single. day. Constantly thinking and worrying about any and everything in your life. From guys, to school, to your future; your brain just does not take a break. Now that I’ve set the scene, let’s add a dash of depression to the worry and there you have it folks, you’ve created a semi-functional human being named Dana.
Untitled picture
I suffer from anxiety and depression. It’s not something that I like to talk about because it makes it seem like I’m crazy or inferior. I can’t tell you when it all began, but I’ve always been a pretty sad and worried person. I didn’t notice the signs until early junior high or high school. I’d just be so sad and I didn’t know why. It has escalated since then. I would find myself balling my eyes out in the middle of the night or holding back tears when I’m having a simple conversation with someone. While I’m aware that no one ever wants to get up and go to class, I wouldn’t feel like getting out of bed for hours. I felt the need to just stay in bed and wallow in my sadness. For those who know me, it may come to you as a surprise because I always seem to be having fun, when in reality I wanted to be alone and just sleep and cry my life away. Depression is something that is very tough to explain unless you have experienced it yourself. I felt like I was worth nothing and again, being honest, I saw no point in living anymore. Constantly the thought ran through my mind to just end it, but God kept me and I am forever grateful for that. I think my depression was at its worst point after my grandfather passed away from cancer out of nowhere. A lot was going on at once and I could not handle it. After the death of my grandfather, I was so on fire for God. My church was just so awesome that I saw there was a light at the end of the tunnel. For once, I was experiencing what true joy in the Lord really felt like. Just to be happy for being alive and so much to be thankful for. I was content with my life and everything in it. Until last night.
My anxiety and depression started to creep in again and this time it wanted me to suffer. I had my very first (and hopefully last) anxiety attack. I felt like a mad person. I couldn’t think straight. I was hyperventilating, sweating, nauseous, shaking, and not to mention tachycardia (abnormally fast heart beat, #biologymajor lol). I mean it was so surreal. I thank God for my wonderful roommates/sisters, who did the best they could to help me. They prayed for me and I eventually calmed down. I know exactly what caused this to happen though. I was thinking soooo much about everything. I was thinking about all of the things I have yet to do for my major and worrying about school, and then it happened. I felt weird afterwards. Instinctively, I reached for my phone and searched Google for anxiety attacks. Reading all of those things I found made me feel like a crazy person who couldn’t handle their life. I felt even worse. I decided to search some scripture about anxiety and “stumbled upon” Matthew 6. This particular chapter talks about money and possesions, but it wasn’t until I hit verse 25-34 that everything became relevant. It says

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? 31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[a] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. 34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

 

This hit me like a ton of bricks. My worrying cannot add any more days to my life. It also showed my lack of faith in God. I believe in Him, but as soon as something that seems impossible comes along, I lose faith. The enemy is a liar. He makes us feel like we are cowards when we are in fact victors of the most high kingdom. God did not inted for those in his kingdom to be depressed or anxious. In fact, he says the complete opposite. I know I have a lot to work on with my relationship with God, but I feel so much better now. I am realizing now that this is more of a theraputic method for me and if in the process I help someone else, then hey that’s wassup. Well now you know “little miss perfect” Dana is actually far from perfection. Don’t feel like you are too good to struggle or like you have to keep things bottled up for a long periods of time. Seek counsel from someone you really trust and always, always, always PRAY. Thanks for being my listeners! I appreciate it! Stay trill playas and playettes 🙂

-Dana B.

2 thoughts on “My Silent Struggle

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s